Bold and Believing

Welcome to the Bold and Believing Blog, a series of posts written by me--Miranda Rasband! I consider myself a sojourning young woman navigating the trials of a turbulent world and hope to share with you my beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in a candid yet light-hearted way.

This blog is, if you will, a "sequel" blog to The Blonde-Headed Believer: a forum that I actively ran from 2016-2018. Instead of continuing with my original platform, I decided to establish a new blog where I can share my thoughts and feelings about Christ's Gospel and Church Doctrine beginning from a new place of growth and understanding. 

And in case you were wondering, I am still blonde (though not so much naturally)!

There is much that has happened in the past few years, both in Church News and in my personal life; if you recall, I was a student at Brigham Young University in Provo, UT the last time I blogged. College went by slowly--I struggled and triumphed as all college students do. I can say, however, that I have never struggled more spiritually in my life than when I was a student at BYU. This fact of my experience will be explained later on, as it has since put me on a much brighter path with an even brighter testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Since 2018, a lot has changed about my beliefs; living in the Church's cultural hub of Utah, I have begun to understand the commandment stated in Matthew 5:48, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

Perfection: the bane of my existence yet my brain's insistent mantra. 

I, more than anyone I know, am the furthest from perfect. No one is perfect--not a single living soul on this planet, and we all know it. We fall short of perfection every day! For all the perfectionist souls out there like me, that fact stings a little. 

However, when I first attended Brigham Young University, everything seemed flawless. Perfect location, as it was not too far from my hometown in Wyoming. Perfect campus with all my classes in a short walking distance. Perfect courses that piqued my interest in international politics. Perfect professors, perfect atmosphere, perfect people...

My expectations for BYU, its environment, and its students were high, and these expectations affected my views of the Church. I have always held the Church as an organization in high regard; the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints values families, encourages connection among different communities and cultures, and continues as a world leader in humanitarian efforts. Since BYU is an institution privatized by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I came to the pre-emptive conclusion early on in my experience at BYU that all the people, norms, and happenings at BYU were in direct connection with the Church. It was all going to be...perfect!

Here is where I started to go wrong. I began college by prematurely equating my personal experience at BYU with my feelings about the Church, and further reaching, the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

As you can expect, I quickly figured out just how imperfect my experience at BYU was. The rosy tint to my biased glasses faded as I grew homesick the more I returned to a cluttered dorm room, lamented the walk up Freshman Hill to go to class each morning, dreaded Biology 101, and wrestled with the opinions of my American Heritage teacher. 

While I would not trade my experience at Brigham Young University to have gone to a different college, I realized that my experience at BYU was not perfect. Like any other college experience, there were classes I did not enjoy, difficult assignments, people I did not get along with, and moments when I wondered if I really belonged there. This is less a reflection on the university itself and more on the particular major, classes, and living situations I chose.

The biggest struggle for me at Brigham Young University came from the hypocrisy of some students acting one way during the week and another way on Sunday, along with the high expectations of the students that were embedded into the culture of the college itself.

Now, before I go any further, I would like to reiterate that I love BYU--this is in no way a poor review of the campus, the academics, or the people who work and learn at the university. In fact, I would recommend Brigham Young University to any person searching for a quality education on a clean and well-kept campus surrounded by people who share similar standards of behavior and excellence. 

However, I began generalizing--trying to find any flaw in my experience and comparing it to the Church itself. Snooty, stuck-up girls who thought they were better than others because they had a Relief Society calling? Yep, there were several of those. Rumors of students who had been thrown out of the university or put on probation because of a spiritual matter they had talked to their bishop about in an act of repentance? Had those too. Kids who bore their testimonies on Sunday about the importance of following the commandments and then were caught in questionable situations in the back of their car at Squaw Peak the night before? Yeah, that was a thing. 

By actively searching for and fixating on the issues that I encountered during my college years, however, I began picking apart the Church. I began reading the negative experiences of other students and seeking stories that exposed the organization for what I slowly started to think it was: a hypocritical institution that encouraged toxic behavior among its members and disparaged those who were harmed by its rules. 

This was a dark period for me; my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ started to crumble. I turned bitter toward anyone who showed me kindness on campus because I started to believe that it was all an act required as a member of the Church. I started missing Sunday meetings because I couldn't stand the way speakers would tell the congregation how much God cared about His children when I struggled to feel His love. I started reading the scriptures purely to ask questions that couldn't be explained quickly and plainly by my Church friends or leaders. 

I can tell you, however, that throughout this journey, I found no fulfillment or closure that eased the anger and hurt I harbored from having my visions of perfection shattered. By telling myself that BYU and the Church were full of hypocrites did not make me feel closer to God. By convincing myself that some of the rules at BYU and in the Church were unfair did nothing to improve my testimony. And by actively looking for flaws in the Church and in the scriptures did not answer the two most important questions that I should have been asking myself: 

Who am I? 

Is the Gospel of Jesus Christ true? 

I started this post by talking about perfection. The purpose of the ensuing discussion where I shared some of my experiences at Brigham Young University was not to condemn the university or slander the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

The main takeaway that I have tried to convey in this post is that the people who call themselves members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the members who govern and attend BYU are not perfect--they are regular people like you and I. They make mistakes. They can make others feel small, unknowingly enforce a culture that causes harm, uphold expectations unfairly, judge someone before themselves, and even commit crimes. Such is the nature of our "natural man." 

No one is perfect. So, why would we expect the people of the Church to be? 

This statement is not made to pardon the wrongs that some members have done, nor is it to make light of real situations at BYU and in the Church organization that have caused real damage to others. However, it is important to take into perspective that one Relief Society Counselor, one Bishop, or one Stake President do not represent the whole of the Church or the Gospel of Jesus Christ as it is in your life. One member, one outdated and revoked practice, one controversial statement made in General Conference cannot possibly represent--nor can it separate you from--the love that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have for you!

Brigham Young University is not perfect. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is far from perfect. 

But I am here to tell you that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect! His love for you and me, His sacrifice, His promises of joy, and His redemptive power is without flaw and without end. 

If you have been hurt by a member of the Church or have felt as if a standard or rule has alienated you, please turn to the true source of peace and wholeness. From my personal experience at BYU, I have come to know that there is no happiness or peace down a road of resentment and anger. There is no rest in a place of fruitless fighting. 

In saying these things, I also understand that you may not be in a place to stop the fight. You may feel too wronged, too hurt, too justified in what you're fighting for. I will not judge those who have stepped away from the Church for an experience that has caused heartbreak and anguish, but please only do so after considering earnestly the two questions I posed: 

Who are you? 

Is the Gospel of Jesus Christ true to you? 

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am a curious mind who seeks answers. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and my Redeemer. I will live with Him again someday and experience an eternity of joy without fear and without pain.

If you choose to leave, I hope you are able to find happiness and fulfillment elsewhere. I could not. I came to a personal conclusion that while some members and rules of the Church organization can and have caused harm, I have stayed because of Jesus Christ. Through Jesus Christ's atonement, we can feel understood, rectified, and joyful again in any circumstance. 

And just like there are both kinds of people in all organizations, the same is true for the Church. While I have met some distasteful people in the Church, I have more often met the most wonderful, caring, and compassionate people who have influenced my life for the better! There is so much more good than bad--now read that sentence again. 

Please, choose to stay. Not for me or to spite the snooty girl in Relief Society. Not for your mom or because you told a young missionary you would when he came knocking at your door. Not for family tradition or expectation. Not for an idea of perfection that cannot possibly be achieved on this earth. 

Stay for you, because Jesus Christ is here at the Church's center. While the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its members are imperfect, Jesus Christ is not. He is perfect. And through Him, someday I hope to be, too!